Construction Boy Meets Fashion Girl - Part 2 of 3 (or 4)

The Ex

The wayback machine needs to go all the way back to December of 2003. That's when I met the ex-boyfriend I'll call Z.

Z basically hit on me when I was at work at AB in the Roseville Galleria. I had been single for almost a year at that point - dating here and there, but no serious relationships. I gave him my number and he actually called the next day. Our first date consisted of dinner at Macaroni Grill and drinks at a bar. We really hit it off and were dating seriously by the end of December.

Z treated me like a queen - he was raised by just his mom, so he had major respect for women. I liked that. He liked that I was different, that I didn't give two shits to what people thought of me, and that I was independent. I liked that he was respectful, fashionable, and just a super nice guy. We were around the same age, had the same morals/ideals, we appreciated family, and we got along with each other's friends. It was perfect.

We moved in together in the summer of 2004, to a cute little house off Cottage Way (near Fulton). It was the perfect place for us - close to work and school (we were both attending Sac State at the time). We tossed around the idea of marriage and kids here and there, but there was never serious talk about it. Our relationship was everything I wanted at the time - secure, respectful, and fun. We had a blast together - attending concerts, going to bars, going to the gym together, or just hanging out at home.

Fast forward to the spring of 2005. I was preparing to graduate Sac State in May, so I was consumed with projects, papers, and all that fun stuff. I was also starting to think more and more about marriage. I was 25 years old, done with school, about to start my career. For me, it was time. Z was at Sac State too, but in his 2nd semester, still taking some G.E. classes. He said he wanted to get married too, but after he graduated (which would have been in 2006). We did start talking about it a little bit more that spring. But, starting around the end of April, I noticed that he was getting more distant, and in some ways, starting to resent me.

Small backstory - In order to graduate, I had to take 15 units during Spring Semester. And in order to take those units, I had to cut my full-time hours at work back to 30 hours a week, resulting in a significant pay cut. Z was working full-time while he was in school, so he offered to pick up more of the bills to help me out, knowing I would do the same for him in next year when he was in crunch-time.

I can admit that school did take a LOT of my time that semester, along with a fashion show that I designed for and helped produce. I probably did neglect his needs (he was a pretty needy guy - always wanted attention) at times. And I'm sure that paying 2/3 of the house bills was weighing on him too. It was a rough time in our relationship, but I figured it would end with my graduation, when I could go back to work full time again and give him more attention.

I graduated in mid-May in the normal outdoor Sac State ceremony. It was a very happy day for me, 6 years (yeah, I know) in the making, but I did it. I was proud of myself for overcoming a few hurdles earlier in my academic career and pulling my GPA up a full point in ONE YEAR. Yes, my GPA was terrible in 2004, almost got kicked out of school. (That's a whole other story). My parents and Z attended the ceremony, and Z was arranging a get-together at a local bar to celebrate with friends. My family celebration was the next day.

Z and I arrive at the bar that night. A lot of his friends were there, and a few of my friends showed up too. We hung out and chatted for awhile, and then I noticed that Z wasn't around. I went looking for him and found him at a corner table with X, one of his girl friends from work. I had met X a few times when I visited him at work. (X was nice enough, but I don't think she ever liked me. I found out why later). I interrupted their conversation to ask him a question, but never thought much of their little rendezvous at the corner table. I just thought they were hanging out.

After the weekend of graduation celebrations, Z and I went on a cruise to SoCal and Mexico - a graduation gift to me from my parents. Things seemed normal and we had a great time, but he was often distant and almost secretive. He kept sending me out of our cabin to go get water or snacks, and then looked guilty when I came back. I didn't know what was going on, but again, didn't think much of it. He never seemed like the type to cheat or lie - it just wasn't him.

In June of 2005, we had to move out of our little house. The owner's son was coming back from some hippie commune and needed a place to live, so we had to go. We found a townhouse in midtown Sacramento and moved in mid-June. During the move, we had to downsize, so I got rid of a bunch of my furniture - my futon, dresser, and a few other things. We were totally settled in the townhouse and things seemed good. We were getting along well, I was back at work full time and contributing to half of the bills, we were in a new place close to bars and restaurants......we were back to the happy couple again.

3rd of July - I had to work overnight due to a floor change, and was off at 3am. Z was working a closing shift, till 10pm. He called me at 10pm to tell me he was going to get drinks with some co-workers at the 7440 Club, and that he'd meet me at home when I got off. Cool, this was something he did all the time. He'd go out for drinks at least once a week when he closed at work. I thought nothing of it and wished him a good time.

Around 1am, we were wrapping up at work, earlier than expected, so I called him to let him know. He didn't answer - unusual for a guy who never let his phone out of his sight. He didn't call back, so I called again around 1:45am. No answer. Weird. Called again at 2:30am, thinking something may have happened. No answer. The bar had closed already, he should be on his way home. At 3:30am he hadn't showed up at home or called me - VERY unusual for him. Z was a man of his word - if he said he was going to be home, he'd be home. I was worried as hell that he had gotten in an accident. He finally called at 5am, saying he had gotten too drunk at the bar and a friend had taken him back to his apartment to sleep it off. A wave of relief passed over me......he was okay. But his story was strange - he never got that drunk when he knew he had to drive home. Z was a responsible guy like that, so this story was weird. I didn't know what to think of it....I will admit I was a little upset with him.

The next day was the 4th of July, and we both had it off work. He slept in late (obviously), I got up and did some things around the house. I went out and ran a few errands. When I came back, Z was up and looking at things on the laptop. When he saw me, he slammed the laptop shut and started acting all nervous. Z never did things like that.....so now my little red flag was up. The previous night's behavior plus this nervousness made me wonder what was up.............

Z left to go to the gym, so I got a little sneaky and checked out the browsing history on the laptop. The last site looked at was napkinnights.com - a website that takes photos at bars and clubs and posts them online. I thought it was a little weird that he was looking at it, but clicked on the website. Wouldn't you know it, the 7440 Club was the first link on the page. I clicked on that and browsed through the photos until I found it........a photo of Z and X, together, sitting closer than they should have, with her hand on his thigh. I about died.

Then I got angry - what was going on? Was he with her that night before? It would make sense - he didn't answer his phone, he didn't get home till nearly 6am......thoughts were racing through my mind and he wasn't home for me to ask all these questions to.

Z got home about an hour later, and I confronted him immediately, laptop in hand with the photo pulled up. He got mad a ME for accusing him of cheating - he wasn't that kind of guy and would NEVER do that to me. (Found out later that this reaction is typical of cheaters who get caught). He stormed up the stairs and stayed there for awhile.

Later that night, he broke up with me. Reasons - I didn't trust him, I thought he was cheating, apparently I didn't know him that well, I wanted to get married so badly and he wasn't ready, etc. I was effing hysterical - so much had happened in the last 24 hours that I didn't have answers to, and now I'm being dumped? It was too much.

I begged him to stay with me, to give me another chance, being the dumb girl in love that I was. Grudgingly, he agreed. (That should have been a sign, but I was naive). But exactly 5 days later he dumped me for good. During that tearful conversation, I asked him point-blank if there was someone else. Z looked me in the eye and said "No, absolutely not." I believed him.

The rest of July was a blur. I bought a new car, went on a major shopping spree, changed my hairstyle, and found a new place to live (we had agreed that since Z put the deposit down on the townhouse, that he would stay there since I couldn't afford to pay him back for half that deposit and the deposit on the new place). I moved the first weekend in August. Z was nice enough to help move the heavy items into the U-Haul. I think he just wanted me gone. But because of the move into the townhouse, I had no dresser, no bed, no desk. I had my clothes and a few pieces of living room-type furniture. I felt like my life was starting over.....

Side note: During that month of July, I slept on the couch and moved my clothes and things into the second bedroom. We lived like roommates, and it was awkward as hell. He was never home because he was with X, I found out later. On the plus side, I watched a LOT of the Style network.

Wouldn't you know it, as soon as I was out of the townhouse (literally, the same weekend), X moved in, under the guise of "roommates". A month later, it came out that they were dating. And yes, my hunch was right - Z had been cheating on me with her for a while before we broke up. I found this out in mid-August, nearly six weeks after we had broken up.

Yet another side note: Z and X ended up getting married a year or so later. They have an adorable 2-year-old daughter together. Z and I have reconciled, he apologized, and we're cool. Like I say, I forgive, but I don't forget.

After this seemingly perfect relationship ended, I spent a lot of time alone, reflecting on what went wrong, what I did to Z to make him cheat, why I can't keep a boyfriend (the previous 2 serious relationships also ended with cheating). I hated men - didn't trust them, didn't like them, didn't want anything to do with them. I was done dating for awhile. I needed ME time, time to be alone, as Z and I were together for a year-and-a-half. I thought we would be together forever - we were supposed to get married, have kids, enjoy a punk-rock life together. Up until July, our relationship was perfect - where did I go wrong? He broke my heart, and it would take a while to heal. I wasn't ready for another relationship AT ALL..............

........but they say that love happens when you don't want it to, when you're not looking for it, when you least expect it.

To be continued............